Let Them

Introduction- My Story

Small, Consistent Action Changes Everything

The problem with waiting is no one is coming to fix it

Thinking about your problems will never solve them

You do not need permission to take action (acting authentically) - Just Do It!

Only you can make it happen!

Changing Your Life is not Glamorous, It Is Grueling 

Take action even when you do not feel motivated to do so

Take action until it becomes a habit (Compound Effect)

Let Them Theory

Does not prevent judgement from others, guilt trips, passive comments and demands

It just allows you to let them have their thoughts, feelings and actions

You cannot control their thoughts, feelings and actions.

People have no real power over you unless you give it to them.

You reclaim your power (choice) by allowing them to have their experience whilst you focus and re-focus your energy on what brings you joy- You can control this!

Chapter 1- Stop Wasting Your Life on Things You Cannot Control

The problem isn't you. The problem is the power you unknowingly give to other people.

What is the Let Them Theory?

It will free you from the burden of trying to manage other people. Do not obsess over what other people think, say, or do, you finally have the energy to focus on your own life. 

• You stop reacting and responding
• You can take the space & time to draw up new boundaries for yourself & the other person

When you stop trying to control things that aren't yours to control, you stop wasting your energy.

You reclaim your time, peace of mind and focus.

The more you let people be who they are, or feel the way they feel, or think what they think, the better your relationship will be. The BEST gift you can give another person is the gift of their own experience.

There are things you can control, things you can influence and things that you cannot control. We assign meaning to events and experiences. The event and/or the experience has no meaning in itself - it just is. The Let Them Theory allows you to control the narrative.

Letting people have their own experience whilst focusing on your own experience allows you to soften up, lighten your grip on things and focus on what you would like to focus on - focus on yourself!

Chapter 2- Getting Started: Let Them + Let Me

Putting Theory Into Practice

Let Them is not about giving in. It is about releasing yourself from the control you never had in the first place. You cannot change what happened in a situation or experience. (Remember that the situation or experience on it's own has no meaning ONLY the meaning you assign it.) 

As a result, it is a choice to feel bad or victimized or wronged in/from a situation/experience. It has nothing to do with you and it is not personal (it is for your Growth!) Your attempts to control the situation/experience make it feel horrible.

By using Let Them you free up your energy. There is nothing to fix or do. Just Allow and Accept the situation/experience ==> Surrender to it. It is not personal unless you make it that way.

What We Are Really Trying to Control

We all try to control things from a very primal place- fear of being excluded or rejected is the #1 fear of humans. Being in control gives us the illusion of safety. When we are in control we protect ourselves from suffering- pain, disappointment, and rejection. And it is just that, an illusion.  

None of the "control" actually makes you feel better. In fact, the opposite effect occurs. Trying to control people and situations increases or amplifies your fears. You become more anxious and stressed.

• Stoicism focuses on controlling your thoughts and actions (you are not your thoughts)

• Buddhism (Radical Acceptance) teaches that suffering comes from resisting reality- the pain we feel stems from wishing things were different than they are.

• Detachment Theory teaches how to emotionally distance ourselves from situations that trigger us (Let Them also practices emotional detachment)
• Let Them creates a mental gap between your emotions and the situation allowing yourself to observe what is happening without being consumed by it. You remain clearheaded and in control of your actions.
• Let Them frees yourself by releasing the grip you have on how things should go and allowing things to unfold the way they will go. 
• You stop being ruled by your emotions and start living a more peaceful, intentional life!!!
• Giving yourself the gift of processing and releasing your emotions related to the situation.

PAD Thoughts...

This is very similar to Michael Singer's Object Consciousness in concept in the Untethered Soul series of books. When we can have the awareness of level of consciousness to maintain object or witness consciousness during a triggering situation, we can process our feelings without being triggered in the moment and let the situation unwind naturally.  EASIER SAID THAN DONE MY FRIENDS...

The celebration comes in as you catch yourself being triggered and then watch it in so motion. I recently had this situation occur and it was like watching a version my past self in slow motion whilst being in the present moment. I still went down the rabbit hole, yet not as deeply as I would have before. I am celebrating myself for catching myself and removing myself from the situation before it got waaay out of control.

How This Works in Real Life - Balance

Mel starts talking about how negative emotions can tip the scale in the dynamic between you and someone else in a given situation when you let your emotions handle your reaction. The scale shifts when you start distancing yourself from the situation and look at the other side of the situation from another perspective or the other person's perspective.

PAD Thoughts...

In the moment, we tend to forget the other person's (what we perceive as displeasure or anger) is just for love or to be seen and heard. Each situation or event has two sides. Love/Anger, Support/Challenge, Empowerment/Disempowerment, Acceptance/Rejection...  and the list goes on.

Mel suggests by using Let Them, you allow things to play out and you can make a considered response, not reaction. You can even choose not to respond at all. Recently an old acquaintance whom I regularly text hit me with a wall of anger, saying I disrespected him by not responding to a text message. I could feel the anger is his words. I reviewed the text string, and I had responded to the question he had posed, just not giving him the answers he wanted to hear. I knew something was up from the venom in his words and several hours later responded when he was able to speak in a kinder tone, we could pick up the conversation. Another wall of venom immediately came back immediately. To that, I did not respond. That is a projection of his sadness in another area of his life that is not a dimension of our friendship. Let him have his experience and come through on the other side. I can still send love and direct my energy elsewhere in furtherance of my goals. My balance is restored.

Let Me is the Power Move

This is the balance- Let Them/Let Me to respond and get your power back by your own choice. It is my responsibility for what I do next. 

• My Attitude
• My Behavior
• My Values
• My Needs 
• My Desires
• What I do in response to the situation is MY CHOICE ~ THAT IS MY POWER!!!

Choose to:

ACCEPT

UNDERSTAND

BE COMPASSIONATE

in your response/actions. 

PAD Thoughts...

I also love how she suggests taking time for reflection. Taking this time leads to greater and deeper self-understanding. Take responsibility = the ability to respond for your next move!!!

Chapter 3- Life is Stressful

When you let the world around you impact your emotional state and peace of mind, you become a prisoner to these external forces or the environment. This is draining, influences lower energy level moods from a "control over" climate, you have less focus and can be more judgmental.

Epictetus- It's not what happens to you, it's how you react to it that matters

It is YOUR CHOICE on how to respond!!!

You give your PERSONAL POWER away when you don't make YOUR CHOICE. You are wasting time and energy on things that do not matter to you and out of your control. Don't get swept up in the emotion of the situation and react. Be an observer of the situation, witness consciousness, and respond.

Your Brain On Stress

Stress causes you to doubt yourself, procrastinate, burn out, doom scroll and struggle with comparison. Also, trouble focusing, constantly tired and over-thinking. 

Stress is a psychological state in your brain. The Pre-Frontal Cortex, PFC, is no longer in control and neither are you! The PFC is the logical center of the brain that assesses pros and cons to make a decision. Response versus Reaction.

Amygdala is where the "stress" response is located. The "reptilian brain" or the "survival brain," referred to as the state of fight, flight or freeze. You give your choice, your power away when you are in this state. Many, 7 out of 10, people live in the state of fight or flight consistently. The amygdala is constantly ON, and you are perpetually in survival mode.

• Take a few deep breaths as it stimulates the Vegas Nerve 
• Change your physiology - go out and take a walk for just 10 minutes

Let Them... 

Let Me- Empowers you to observe the situation and choose what you think, say and do (instead of letting emotions run the circus)

• Intentional Response

In the CHOICE of your RESPONSE, YOU TAKE YOUR POWER BACK!!!

Chapter 4- Let Them Stress You Out- Frustration, Discouraged, Powerless ("Control Over"), Hostility, Demoralized, or Burnt Out

Let Me make a plan to reach my goals, celebrating each small win!  (Each small celebration fuels and motivates the next step with a hit of dopamine for the brain to continue.)