Let Them

Introduction- My Story

Small, Consistent Action Changes Everything

The problem with waiting is no one is coming to fix it

Thinking about your problems will never solve them

You do not need permission to take action (acting authentically) - Just Do It!

Only you can make it happen!

Changing Your Life is not Glamorous, It Is Grueling 

Take action even when you do not feel motivated to do so

Take action until it becomes a habit (Compound Effect)

Let Them Theory

Does not prevent judgement from others, guilt trips, passive comments and demands

It just allows you to let them have their thoughts, feelings and actions

You cannot control their thoughts, feelings and actions.

People have no real power over you unless you give it to them.

You reclaim your power (choice) by allowing them to have their experience whilst you focus and re-focus your energy on what brings you joy- You can control this!

Chapter 1- Stop Wasting Your Life on Things You Cannot Control

The problem isn't you. The problem is the power you unknowingly give to other people.

What is the Let Them Theory?

It will free you from the burden of trying to manage other people. Do not obsess over what other people think, say, or do, you finally have the energy to focus on your own life. 

• You stop reacting and responding
• You can take the space & time to draw up new boundaries for yourself & the other person

When you stop trying to control things that aren't yours to control, you stop wasting your energy.

You reclaim your time, peace of mind and focus.

The more you let people be who they are, or feel the way they feel, or think what they think, the better your relationship will be. The BEST gift you can give another person is the gift of their own experience.

There are things you can control, things you can influence and things that you cannot control. We assign meaning to events and experiences. The event and/or the experience has no meaning in itself - it just is. The Let Them Theory allows you to control the narrative.

Letting people have their own experience whilst focusing on your own experience allows you to soften up, lighten your grip on things and focus on what you would like to focus on - focus on yourself!

Chapter 2- Getting Started: Let Them + Let Me

Putting Theory Into Practice

Let Them is not about giving in. It is about releasing yourself from the control you never had in the first place. You cannot change what happened in a situation or experience. (Remember that the situation or experience on it's own has no meaning ONLY the meaning you assign it.) 

As a result, it is a choice to feel bad or victimized or wronged in/from a situation/experience. It has nothing to do with you and it is not personal (it is for your Growth!) Your attempts to control the situation/experience make it feel horrible.

By using Let Them you free up your energy. There is nothing to fix or do. Just Allow and Accept the situation/experience ==> Surrender to it. It is not personal unless you make it that way.

What We Are Really Trying to Control

We all try to control things from a very primal place- fear of being excluded or rejected is the #1 fear of humans. Being in control gives us the illusion of safety. When we are in control we protect ourselves from suffering- pain, disappointment, and rejection. And it is just that, an illusion.  

None of the "control" actually makes you feel better. In fact, the opposite effect occurs. Trying to control people and situations increases or amplifies your fears. You become more anxious and stressed.

• Stoicism focuses on controlling your thoughts and actions (you are not your thoughts)

• Buddhism (Radical Acceptance) teaches that suffering comes from resisting reality- the pain we feel stems from wishing things were different than they are.

• Detachment Theory teaches how to emotionally distance ourselves from situations that trigger us (Let Them also practices emotional detachment)
• Let Them creates a mental gap between your emotions and the situation allowing yourself to observe what is happening without being consumed by it. You remain clearheaded and in control of your actions.
• Let Them frees yourself by releasing the grip you have on how things should go and allowing things to unfold the way they will go. 
• You stop being ruled by your emotions and start living a more peaceful, intentional life!!!
• Giving yourself the gift of processing and releasing your emotions related to the situation.

PAD Thoughts...

This is very similar to Michael Singer's Object Consciousness in concept in the Untethered Soul series of books. When we can have the awareness of level of consciousness to maintain object or witness consciousness during a triggering situation, we can process our feelings without being triggered in the moment and let the situation unwind naturally.  EASIER SAID THAN DONE MY FRIENDS...

The celebration comes in as you catch yourself being triggered and then watch it in so motion. I recently had this situation occur and it was like watching a version my past self in slow motion whilst being in the present moment. I still went down the rabbit hole, yet not as deeply as I would have before. I am celebrating myself for catching myself and removing myself from the situation before it got waaay out of control.

How This Works in Real Life - Balance

Mel starts talking about how negative emotions can tip the scale in the dynamic between you and someone else in a given situation when you let your emotions handle your reaction. The scale shifts when you start distancing yourself from the situation and look at the other side of the situation from another perspective or the other person's perspective.

PAD Thoughts...

In the moment, we tend to forget the other person's (what we perceive as displeasure or anger) is just for love or to be seen and heard. Each situation or event has two sides. Love/Anger, Support/Challenge, Empowerment/Disempowerment, Acceptance/Rejection...  and the list goes on.

Mel suggests by using Let Them, you allow things to play out and you can make a considered response, not reaction. You can even choose not to respond at all. Recently an old acquaintance whom I regularly text hit me with a wall of anger, saying I disrespected him by not responding to a text message. I could feel the anger is his words. I reviewed the text string, and I had responded to the question he had posed, just not giving him the answers he wanted to hear. I knew something was up from the venom in his words and several hours later responded when he was able to speak in a kinder tone, we could pick up the conversation. Another wall of venom immediately came back immediately. To that, I did not respond. That is a projection of his sadness in another area of his life that is not a dimension of our friendship. Let him have his experience and come through on the other side. I can still send love and direct my energy elsewhere in furtherance of my goals. My balance is restored.

Let Me is the Power Move

This is the balance- Let Them/Let Me to respond and get your power back by your own choice. It is my responsibility for what I do next. 

• My Attitude
• My Behavior
• My Values
• My Needs 
• My Desires
• What I do in response to the situation is MY CHOICE ~ THAT IS MY POWER!!!

Choose to:

ACCEPT

UNDERSTAND

BE COMPASSIONATE

in your response/actions. 

PAD Thoughts...

I also love how she suggests taking time for reflection. Taking this time leads to greater and deeper self-understanding. Take responsibility = the ability to respond for your next move!!!

Chapter 3- Life is Stressful

When you let the world around you impact your emotional state and peace of mind, you become a prisoner to these external forces or the environment. This is draining, influences lower energy level moods from a "control over" climate, you have less focus and can be more judgmental.

Epictetus- It's not what happens to you, it's how you react to it that matters

It is YOUR CHOICE on how to respond!!!

You give your PERSONAL POWER away when you don't make YOUR CHOICE. You are wasting time and energy on things that do not matter to you and out of your control. Don't get swept up in the emotion of the situation and react. Be an observer of the situation, witness consciousness, and respond.

Your Brain On Stress

Stress causes you to doubt yourself, procrastinate, burn out, doom scroll and struggle with comparison. Also, trouble focusing, constantly tired and over-thinking. 

Stress is a psychological state in your brain. The Pre-Frontal Cortex, PFC, is no longer in control and neither are you! The PFC is the logical center of the brain that assesses pros and cons to make a decision. Response versus Reaction.

Amygdala is where the "stress" response is located. The "reptilian brain" or the "survival brain," referred to as the state of fight, flight or freeze. You give your choice, your power away when you are in this state. Many, 7 out of 10, people live in the state of fight or flight consistently. The amygdala is constantly ON, and you are perpetually in survival mode.

• Take a few deep breaths as it stimulates the Vegas Nerve 
• Change your physiology - go out and take a walk for just 10 minutes

Let Them... 

Let Me- Empowers you to observe the situation and choose what you think, say and do (instead of letting emotions run the circus)

• Intentional Response

In the CHOICE of your RESPONSE, YOU TAKE YOUR POWER BACK!!!

Chapter 4- Let Them Stress You Out- Frustration, Discouraged, Powerless ("Control Over"), Hostility, Demoralized, or Burnt Out

Let Me make a plan to reach my goals, celebrating each small win!  (Each small celebration fuels and motivates the next step with a hit of dopamine for the brain to continue.) 

The Storm Before the Storm: The Beginning of the End of the Roman Republic by Mike Duncan

This book originally struck me as just another book on the history of Rome...  But it has been very enlightening to read.  It has cleared up some misconceptions I have had on the Gracchi brothers and their land reform ideas.  Previously I would cringe when I would come to the chapter on the Gracchi as a wingy-winey saga of martyrdom; whereas this book cast them and the theory of the beginning of the end of the Roman Republic starting with their saga.  This is very exciting as I have spent so much time studying the fall of the Roman Republic and want to know more...  Why?

I am going to write here about the idea presented in the beginning of the book, that is land reform.  I think it is one characteristic of the beginning of the end of the Republic; but yet quite important aspects, socio-economic if I have to pick one ;)  I know it's two...  (Remember in high school social studies when your teacher said everything in history has to be analyzed politically, economically and socially?  Well, he/she was right!)

Furthermore, this book makes the story of the Gracchi brothers much more realistic and interesting.  They might have been martyrs for the cause, but they tried to do something they believed would save the essence of the Republic.  [Later I would like to compare/contrast this with what Barry Strauss wrote in his book Caesar Must Die on Cassius and Brutus.  I see several parallels!]  So, let's go!

The Spanish wars were taking men away from the farms.  Much land went fallow as the farmers were away.  Other, richer, land owners bought up the land making large patron farms.  Then the boys would come home from their tour of Spain and find their land gone.  This increased the number of poor migrating into the cities.  Their livelihood gone.  [The book notes that this is before the standing armies/legions of Caesar and Augustus 100 or so years later.]  Also, the rich seemed to get richer from holding all the land.  This represented a situation which came to the notice of Tiberus Gracchus, the older of the two brothers.

Through his reforms he wanted to re-distribute the land to the poor or the original users of the land.  This did not go over too well with the aristocrats.  Though a series of events, not under his control, his reforms were not made.

add more detail from T & G life...  getting the Lex Agraria passed, or not
add more info on the conflict of the Italians and their rights

So the connection of this to the beginning of the end for the Republic or the initiation of the decline would be the greed and/or control of the aristocracy of the land and/or it's profits.  The idea that they could hold all the land without respect to the rest of the people (of a lower class/clients.)  I think this is telling, that the aristocracy was better than everyone else.  What gave them that grandiose idea?  Wealth and power, as the aristocracy had that.  Whereas the clients had none.  To be poor or unskilled at that time meant death or enslavement.  Neither seems too appealing.

Also, the usage of the institutions of the Republic.  The rights of all Italians.  The Social Wars did not occur until 91-88 BC.  Right now we are in the period of 146 - 120 BC.  Right now the institutions of the Republic were also slanted toward the aristocratic/patron Senators.  What about the plebs?  What about the people the Republic was supposed to represent.  One could argue they were representing them, but to their own benefit....

The connection to Caesar Must Die, Cassius and Brutus, to the Gracchi brothers is that influential older men were egging them on.  In the case of the Gracchi it was Tiberius's father-in-law, Appius Clodius Pulcher.  In the case of Brutus and Cassius,....  [fill in detail from Death of Caesar book....]

Causes of the Transition from Republic to Empire - The Growing Importance of the Generals

I have spent a lot of time studying the transition of Rome from Republic to Empire over the last few years.  Recently I have read Rubicon:  The Last Years of the Roman Republic by Tom Holland and The Death of Caesar by Barry Strauss.  Both books have strengthened my belief that the political, economic and social conditions were right for a change that were bread over the previous 100 years.

Let's start with the Political element.
In the 100 years before Caesar's assassination, the Republic was expanding.  Rome was constantly at war.  The political situation is tricky and volatile. 

• Macedonian Wars (4) - ending around 150 BC
• Battle of Cornith - 146 BC
• Punic Wars (Carthage) - ending about 149 BC
• Jugurthan War - ending around 112 BC
• Social Wars (between Italian tribal groups) 91 - 88 BC
• Sulla's First Civil War - Sulla marches troops into Rome for the first time - 88 BC
• Sulla's Second Civil War + Dictator - 82 BC
• Servile Wars (3) - Slave Wars - ending around 73 BC
• Mithridic Wars (3) - ending around - 63 BC
• Siege of Jerusalem (Pompey) - 63 BC
• First Triumvariate (Caesar, Pompey, Crassus) - 59 BC 
• Caesar Crosses the Rubicon - 49 BC - Troops entering Italian soil for a second time

What I call the Great Generals were on the scene (or on the march):  Marius and Cinna.  Both men were great leaders and led Rome to great victories and expanded boarders.  Victory meant more money pouring into the treasury of Rome.  Great prosperity, more slaves etc...  There were even internal struggles that Rome must deal with:  Social Wars (citizens in city states wanting the right to vote) and Servile Wars (Slave Wars, remember Spartacus?).

Early on there is in-fighting between Generals:  Marius and Cinna.   Both Marius and Cinna had large armies.  In the end, Marius, who was consul seven (7) times beat Cinna, only consul three (3) times.  Cinna's troops turned on him as he was preparing to meet Marius for battle for command of the Mithradic war/s.

Marius was a Populare, for the people.  There was much dissent between himself and the Optimates or the Patrician class.  Whereas, his enemy, Sulla, was an Optimate, or of Patrician class.  (I think think Sulla was a 'new man,' growing up poor; but moved up as a very successful general.)  Sulla served under Marius in the Jugarthine and Gallic Wars.  He was appointed Governor of Cilia and held other official positions which made him a Patrician.  There was a power struggle between the Populares and the Optimates.  (Caesar was a Populare too.  His aunt Julia was married to Marius.)

This leads me right into the Social element.
Many of these men were 'New Men,' or men that just made their fortunes.  Not from the old Roman families.  They had wealth, military victories and power.  Yes, Power!  Their troops were loyal too them and they got much bounty when they won their wars against foreign lands.

A Short History of the Vatican & Other Interesting Facts

This short history of the Vatican is from Mistress of the Vatican by Eleanor Herman and Basilica by R. A. Scotti.

A Really Short History of the Vatican-
Built on the circus where Caligula held his chariot races.  He put an obelisk in the middle of the circus that was 1200 years old.  Christians were martyred in the arena.  Nero smeared the early Christians with tar and used them as human torches.  Imagine the smell.

The Vatican was built in the form of the Roman Court of Justice, a rectangular building separated into 3 sections by two rows of columns.

The apostle Paul was killed in the second purge of the Christians, beheaded on his way to the port city of Ostia.  The apostle Peter was crucified upside down as he was an unworthy proxy for Christ.

Constantine built a church on the place where Peter was buried.  The Basilica of St. Peter's in 326 AD.

Other Fun Facts-
Pope Nicholas V brings the Papacy back to Rome from Avignon in 1447 and decides to rebuild St. Peter's Basilica built by Constantine in 326 AD with architect Bernardo Rosellino.  Rosellino worked with Brunelleschi in Florence. He also founded the Vatican Library.

Women in the Church- Christianity was practiced in the home, the realm of the women since it had to be practiced in private.  Many Christians were persecuted.  As a result, women played a role.  Clergy married until Pope Siricius denies the marriage of clergy in the late 300's.  (St. Peter was married.)  Married clergy would leave their land/income to their son's and/or use their income for dowries for their daughters and not giving the land/money to the church on their death.  Ecclesiastical Inheritance. But the marriage of clergy went unheeded until 1050's when Pope Leo IX enslaved clerical wives to clean churches and prepare meals.  Being a clerical wife became very unpopular.

But still many Cardinals and Pope's married.

Olympia Maidalchini - A Formidible Woman

Mistress of the Vatican:  The True Story of Olympia Maidalchini by Eleanor Herman was a book I stumbled on by chance.  I happened to be browsing some titles on Isabelle D' Este, there aren't many, when I came across this book.  It looked interesting.  No, Olympia wasn't the legendary Pope Joan, but who was she.  I started reading...  I couldn't put the book down.  By the end there was a lot, maybe too much about Pope Innocent X, Gianbattista Pamphili, but he was after all her ticket into the Vatican.

Olympia Maidalchini Pamphili

Initially, Olympia's father wanted her to enter the convent.  She had no plans of doing that!  She out smarted a local priest her father got to talk her into going into the convent and then didn't have to enter it.  She was one smart young cookie.  She eventually marries Paolo Nini, the richest man in the town of Viterbro, Italy where she grew up. Sadly, Paolo dies young and leaves our lady with some money.  

Our young heiress, attracts a rich old noble who's family needed an infusion of money, Pamphilo Pamphili.  Olympia moves to Rome and marries him.  They are married for 22 years and have 3 children together.  Olympia has a brother-in-law that was a cannon lawyer, Gianbattista Pamphili.  Olympia and he become fast friends as Gianbattista likes to talk to and spend time with motherly ladies.  Were they having an affair?  The author suggests rumors going around Rome, but proves nothing either way.  Gainbattista had a reputation as a scholarly man and a good cannon lawyer, who was not easily corruptible.  A good reputation to have in Renaissance Italy.

Time passes and Gianbattista becomes the Papal Nuncio to Naples in the 1621 under Gregory XV.  He served there for 2 years and Olympia went with him to Naples.  (It took the papal courier 3 days to get from Naples to Rome.)  Gianbattista would send reports back to Rome weekly that were up to 15 pages long of the things occurring in Naples with regard to the Holy Roman Church.  Naples was controlled by Spain at this time.  Olympia's money was paramount in getting Gianbattista appointed as nuncio (keeping up appearances) and later made a cardinal.

Gianbattista Pamphili, Innocent X

 Later under Urban VIII, Barbarini, Gianbattista was made Papal Nuncio in Spain.  This was a key position that represented an elevation in status for the Pamphili family.  At the time there was a farm/veg market in front of the town house and it was not in good repair for a family seeking to have a Cardinal-ship in the family.

In 1623, Maffeo Barbarini was elected Pope Urban VIII.  In 1626 Gianbattista was appointed Papal Nunzio to Spain under King Philip IV.  His loyalty to Spain was never questioned in future, even when he was made Pope.  1n 1629 Gianbattista was made a Cardinal.  In 1634 - 1638 Olympia enlarged the size of the town house on Plaza Novana that the Pamphili family called home, which is now the Brazilian Embassy.  Girolamo and Carlo Rinaldi were the architects to transform the palace to what we know today.

Palazzo Pamphili

Gianbattista gets elected Pope Innocent X in 1644 - 1655.  Olympia ran the Vatican from behind the scenes for several years.  If you wanted to get something by Innocent, you had to get it before Olympia.  She was the first lady of Rome.  Gianbattista appoints Camillo, Olympia's son to be Cardinal Nephew.

This only lasted for 2 years until he married the Princess of Rossano, Olympia Alsobrandini, a rich widow of Paolo Borghese.  (Olympia wanted Camillo to marry Lucrezia Barbarini, but Camillo would not have it.  Camillo and his mother had a strained relationship.)  Olympia never really warmed up to her daughter-in-law.  Olympia's other children:  Maria and Costanza.  Maria marries Andrea Giustiniani and has her grand-daughter Olympiuccia.

Olympia Aldobrandini, Princess of Rossano

Olympia took on many causes during her time.  One was dowry-less girls.  In 1645, Olympia was made Princess of San Martino.  Here she built a town to help dowry-less girls (and ladies of the night who wanted to reform.)  It was here in San Martino, not far from Veterbro, that Bernini helped design a church and Olympia's tomb.  Today there are descendants of the original inhabitants living in the town.

Olympia also has the Fountain of the Four Rivers commission for the front of Plaza Novana.  Using the tumbled down obelisk brought back to Rome by Caligula from Egypt. The obelisk had been brought down by the Goths in 527 and sat by the San Sebastian Gate of Rome ever since.  Olympia commissioned Bernini to make a tremendous fountain to enrich the plaza.  The rivers represented were the Nile in Africa, Danube in Germany, Ganges in India and the Plate in South America.

Fountain of the Four Rivers

When Gianbattista was Innocent X was elected Pope, the Pamphili family took away all the honors from the Barbarini family.  There were many reasons for this, but chiefly the Vatican was in huge debt.  (Barbarini's supported France and Pamphili's supported Spain.)  The Barbarini family was exiled for 2 years to France.  Over time, Olympia's granddaughter, Olympiuccia, was forced to marry Maffeo Barbarini, age 22 in 1653.  By age 13 she was pregnant.  (Yuck!)  She was forced to do this to unite the two families.

Olympia Giustiniani Barbarini

Olympia is exiled from Rome to San Martino in 1650 for 2 years.  She had been selling papal offices, managing the papal accounts and adding money, position to the Pamphili family.  Innocent decides to take over and manage things on his own with his Cardinal friends.  Eventually, Olympia comes back to Rome, but in a reduced capacity.

She dies of plague in 1657 in San Martino.  She created a dynasty and ran the papacy from the side lines for a while.  A formidable woman!

Jefferson and the Tripoli Pirates by Brian Kilmead

Read this book if you like swash buckling action and some lesser know post-Revolution American history.  I love to read about Jefferson, but this book dwells on the great man only briefly.  The main characters are the sea captains and the prisoners and the rulers who made Algeria, Tunis and Morroco what they were in the late 1700's early 1800's.

The book opens with the Capture of the Dauphin in 1785 who was taken prisoner for 10 years.  The Maria was also captured too.  Most of the Americans were taken prisoner and made to be Christian slaves.  They could die of tropical diseases, work as slaves (many of the enlisted preformed hard labor, versus the officers that helped the ruling class out) or convert to Islam.  Islamic people could not have other Islamic people as slaves.

The other interesting/scary factor was the amount of time it took for news to travel in the late 1700s.   It could be up to 1 year for news to travel back (and forth) to the Executive branch of the government, the United States.  Wow.  Not like today's instant coffee world of the internet!


Peter Lisle --> Murat Rais
Philadelphia 300 people...  taken prisoner
Bainbridge captained the ship

The Reluctant Matador by Pryor - Put Down or Finish?

The Reluctant Matador by Mark Pryor is beyond formulaic.  I'm 3/4 of the way into the book and do I  put the book down or finish it.  There is a slight pulse, but that is all.  Can't wait to start the next book.  Camilleri!